The Help

I suppose I should address the obvious:  it's been a while. It's been a four year journey. There's no doubt, I spent those four years sorting out me, myself, and I. All I will say about those days, weeks, months, years is that I am much kinder to myself.

It seems cliché to talk about the "road to recovery" and I really don't think I want to share that story anyway. It's enough to say that processing a divorce is hard. Grief is hard. In order to stop feeling the pain, you really have to step into that gaping wound, identify what is broken, figure out the proper treatment, and do it. It's a painful, but necessary process. 

My bestest friend in the whole wide world has a superpower. She knows when I need to hear that poignant message from "The Help." 

She recently sent a text to me with those words. A propos of nothing. She just sent it. I needed it. And that is one of the bits and pieces that I have internalized over the past four years. 

More on that later.

Quietude

Last time, I talked about motivation. Intrinsic motivation - having a reason that comes from within and that moves one to action is best. That thought: what action is best for me at this moment in my life has been in my head for days. 

What is BEST for me at this moment in my life? What is best FOR ME at this moment in my life? What is best for me at this moment in MY life?

The good Catholic girl in me thinks this is an incredibly self-centered, selfish question that is not worthy of consideration, let alone any type of action. But for the last year or two, this 50-something woman has been forced to think about ME. I live alone now. That changes the decision making process. That changes the back up plan. That changes my future plans. 

That question: What is best for me at this moment in my life, has gone from a vague, nagging whisper to a loud, demanding shriek. I've been forced to respond, and I understand that the vague, nagging whisper has been prodding my subconscious actions for years.

What is best for me, Laura, at this moment in my life?  Simplicity. Quietude. Peace.

How do I get to that simple, quiet, peaceful life? What does it look like? 

I'm working on that. There are some things that I know deep in my bones to be true to what is best for me. Other things, I need time to pray and reflect on. It'll come. 

Motivation

I was listening to a podcast last night. One of the speakers said something that blew my mind. To paraphrase: "Motivation is an emotion and like all emotions, it ebbs and flows." And I was like Bert.

Then they started talking about how we don't always want to go to work, but somehow we find the wherewithal to get out of bed everyday and get to work on time. So where does that "oomph" to do those things come from?

There's extrinsic motivations - things outside of yourself that keep you going. It could be "I want to run a 5K." or "I'm going to get written up if I don't go to that meeting." But extrinsic motivation has a catch... so you run the 5k and you really don't like running. Now what happens to that motivation? Intrinsic motivation - things inside of yourself - is the ticket. 

When you really internalize something, you just do it for yourself. It helps to build in and leverage parts about yourself to keep you going when it is cold, raining, and you don't want to get out of bed. A paycheck every week; your gym buddy is meeting you at 6:00; you told everyone that you know that you are going to run that 5k. For me, I know that I very, very much want to live a long, healthy, active life. I will not bail on someone, so if Sherry is waiting for me at the gym, I'll be there. I don't want to depend on my niece for help when I'm older, so I'm going to eat well, take care of my back and hip so I can move about freely and easily. I want to have fun, so I will do the things that keep me active and entertained.

All the pieces started coming together. I have Sherry to get me to the gym Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I have a plan. Build Your Power Zones and the workout plan from the trainer. I have the kick in the butt: I want to be healthy so I can live a long, active, independent life. 

Today and tomorrow, Peloton. Monday, workout with Cheryl, and Peloton. Tuesday, Peloton. Wednesday, workout with Cheryl. Thursday, rest day. Friday, workout with Cheryl, and Peloton. I didn't plan meals last week, and I had some pretty haphazard meals, so I'm going to get back on meal plans. 

Here's the link to the podcast: Balance365 Podcast

 

Working on a New Mindset

I have been giving a lot of thought to the coaching program that I'm doing. One thing that they spend time on is getting over the "diet culture" mindset that is so prevalent in our culture, especially for women. I have been rebelling, rebelling, rebelling on the idea of measuring. I've done so much of it over the years. Weighing and measuring food. Weighing and measuring me! Tracking macronutrients. High protein, low carb diet - to the point that I became hypoglycemic on a regular basis. Learning how to incorporate more carbs in my diet. Monitoring blood glucose levels. Measuring body fat. BMI. Log every single work out. My Fitness Pal. Strava. RunKeeper. SparkPeople. 

No more weighing, measuring, or monitoring of anything! I deleted all the apps from my phone. The only exception will be a monthly weigh in and measuring my bust, waist, hips and taking the FTP test (a fitness test) on the peloton because that is part of the power zone training. 

Along the way, all these measurements became judgements. That doesn't motivate me. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. It doesn't make me work out harder. Not one of those activities makes me feel like I respect myself, nor are they fun.  

I am motivated to be healthy because I want to live a long, active life. I want to move freely and easily for as long as I can. I need to keep my bones strong. I need strong muscles so I can live independently. That sounds like fun and it shows respect to my body.

Saturday I started the Build Your Power Zones training program on the Peloton. I rode yesterday, too. For the first time in more than a year, it was fun to be on the the bike. It didn't feel like a chore. Today is a day off the bike because...

My friend Sherry* and I started working out at the gym today. She has a friend who is starting up his training business and is recruiting people to follow his training program. In exchange, he wants before/after photos and a 4 month commitment. Sherry is doing it and asked me to join her.

Sherry and I met at the gym at 6 AM today. We took our before photos and we got right down to work. She hasn't worked out like this since December. I haven't worked out like this since early 2019! Yikes! The workout plan was challenging, but we knew all the exercises. We modified to our abilities. Even with the modifications, we are going to be sore. Our first thought was to workout 4 days/week as the trainer asked. By the end today, we both agreed to start out with 3 days/week for the first month and then move up to 4 days. The trainer is totally fine with modifications. He just wants consistency.

It's good to have a buddy to workout with. I need to be accountable to someone. She's a lot of fun. We are well matched in ability, and best of all, we don't compete! Very supportive. Lots of laughter. I'm looking forward to Wednesday. Just hoping I can move tomorrow.

(*I will be changing the names of my friends.)

Having fun

I figured out long ago that I just won't exercise for the sake of exercising. Not consistently. I have to be tricked into it and the best way to trick me into it is to make it fun. Walking with a friend is fun. Doing challenging resistance training with a friend is fun. Bike riding is fun, both outdoors and on the peloton. Running outside in the heat with good music is fun. Stomping in the woods is fun. Bike riding on trails in the woods is fun. Writing is fun. Cooking is fun.

I re-connected with my friend Sherry last month. We were half of a small group personal training group. (That was FUN!) She and I "saw" each other on social media over the years, but somehow or other we started going on walks together on the weekend. OK, we went on two walks, but it's been fun. Fun is important to me.

What isn't fun? Restricting what I can or cannot eat. Weighing and measuring food. Being winded when I walk up a steep hill. Tracking anything on an app/spreadsheet/piece of paper/fitbit. If someone wants to do it for me, knock yourself out. I hate doing it.

A key, personal tenant is "Why do it if it isn't fun?" When Sherry told me that a friend of hers is building a personal training business and did I want to join in the fun, I said 'yes.' She and I are going to train together with her friend as a coach. It's the first time I've looked forward to exercise in a couple of years. I could have been working out for years on my own, but I haven't. It's boring by myself. I find all kinds of reasons to do something else. Working out with Sherry is going to be fun. We start Wednesday.

The coaching program that I signed up for encourages people to track their efforts at learning new habits. I started out OK for the first two weeks, but I have never done well with tracking. It leads to all or nothing thinking with me. Either I end up with an unhealthy obsession or I get rebellious. I stopped tracking macronutrients and calories because it became unhealthy. Tracking the new habits lead to me rebelling against the new habits.

The coaching program also has a very good tools to help sort out thoughts and feelings. I used it for my rebellion over the tracking. I have reached out to a coach to help me with the results of that thinking. (Much of it is above.) Blogging is fun and I look forward to doing it. I can use this as a way for me to keep myself accountable with the new habits rather than checking off boxes several times a day.

Tomorrow I'm going to do some food prep. I'm going to eat balanced meals. I'm going to go for a bike ride or for a walk. I'll let you know how I do.

It's Called Respect, Have Some

I respect the inherent dignity of all people.

I have given a lot of thought in recent days to my personal moral philosophy. I came up with a bombshell... I don't really respect MY inherent dignity as a human being; at least not 100% of the time. I'd say I'm around 50% most days. If I did, I'd take better care of my body, I wouldn't talk trash to myself, and I'd put my personal needs first more often.

I'm not alone in this. Plenty of people say things to themselves that they'd NEVER say to their best friend. Yesterday I was looking at a photo from 3 years ago (pre-divorce, pre-COVID, pre-menopause) and I caught myself saying terrible things in my head. I'm going to counter those thoughts right now:

Stop it! That was a very different time in your life. You had a big cheering squad supporting you, who told you how they admired you for the time and effort you put in to get healthy and heal your injured back and hip. You just survived a very stressful period in your life. Divorce after 32 years in a huge upheaval. We all just went through more than a year of existential fear. Simply breathing the air could kill you. Give yourself a break if exercise wasn't your #1 priority. We are only just returning to something resembling "normal". You cannot pick up where you left off. Start where you are at. No one is keeping score.

Today, I'm going to respect my body. I'm going to hop back on my beloved Peloton bike. I'm going to start the new "Build Your Power Zones" program. It's 3 days/week. I have planned a walk with a friend for Saturday morning.

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
― Jack Kornfield, Buddha's Little Instruction Book

You Didn't Think You'd Be Reading About Chickens

Core Values... I've got mixed feelings about core values. There's more negative than positive in that feelings mix. I spent years helping nonprofits get organized, write mission statements and strategic plans, and of course, identify core values. When the people involved are truly invested and excited about what they are doing, that process is energizing. When the people involved are there because they have to be, or worse, they feel like they should be there... it can suck your soul dry. Most people don't get excited about these things.

I know there are people who have their own personal mission statement and core values. They have goals and strategies to reach those personal goals. Let me tell you, I have rolled my eyes long and hard about that. I mean really. How very precious. Honestly, isn't everyone's mission to get through this life in one piece? Core values? How about staying alive? Getting through the day? If it works for you, more power to you. I'm not interested.

You know where this is going, don't you? 

Yeah... the core values chickens have come home to roost.

Photo by James Wainscoat on Unsplash

In May I signed up for a personal coaching program based on the recommendation of someone whose opinion I very much respect. Like, I didn't even google this program, that's how much I respect this person's opinion. He recommended it and I signed up. Just like that. 

I like the program quite a bit, but there was just one thing. The program includes identifying your personal core values. I sighed deeply. I pretended that I didn't read that part of the book. I went forward with the other parts of the program. After 5 weeks, I wasn't getting very far. 

I went back to the core values section and made myself go through the steps. That's when I realized I knew what my core values were and I've know for most of my life. I never called them core values. I don't think I called them anything. Maybe, if pressed, I'd come up with something like "firmly held beliefs." Anyway, I still think the whole thing is a little precious, so I googled "synonym core values" and "moral philosophy" was one of the choices. I like that much more.

So what is my personal moral philosophy?

1. I respect the inherent dignity of all people.  This applies to everyone, whether I like them or not. There's plenty of times that I have to remind myself of this. I'm wrestling with this with a particular person that I don't especially like right now. Liking someone isn't a criteria for respecting their innate humanity. But this person is a part of God's creation, so who am I to judge. Just because it's my personal moral philosophy doesn't mean I'm perfect.

2. Why do it if it isn't fun?  This is not as flip as it sounds. We are given one precious life. We need to make the most of it. It should be filled with laughter, joy, goodness. In the Creation stories, God pronounces his work "good." He takes a break on the seventh day. God is not a fan of drudgery. God takes a day to kick back and enjoy his work. I think fun fits in nicely with a sound, moral life.

So that's my personal, moral philosophy. I've got more to say, but not now.

I'd like to end with another chicken. It made me laugh.